Senior Seminar Revisited

In college I took this class about literary criticism and theory. The premise of the class is "this is what English grad students do for four to six years, so decide now if it's for you."

It sure as hell wasn't for me. But I am sure one of the many theories we bullshitted about for a semester can apply to the "Olympic Moments" NBC has decided define the Athens games.

And I'm pretty sure Reader Response theory is not one of them. According to NBC, the games are all about Michael Phelps, the American sweep in the 200 and 400 in track, Girl Power (softball, hoops, beach bootyball I mean volleyball), and Paul Hamm.

Lost in the shuffle is the amazing performance of Morocco's Hicham el-Guerrouj. Without a doubt he is the best middle distance runner, ever. He also never won a gold medal before. But then this year that speedy bastard goes out and wins the 1500 AND the 5000 meter runs. Does anyone out there appreciate just how fucking amazing this is? Cripes. That's hard enough to do in the shitty Midwest Athletic Conference that I was subjected to for four years in college. And this dude pulls it off in the Olympics. The range it takes to win these two events is unheard of, especially in the present day and age of athlete specialization.

Remember the hype Michael Johnson received in 1996 for winning the gold in the 200 and 400? Well, imagine if Johnson had never even won a gold medal prior to this (he won one in a relay in 1992), had been dominating the sport for over five years, and instead of winning the 200 and the 400, won the 100 and 400. Then you'd get an inkling of what el-Guerrouj accomplished in Athens. And not only that, his kick at the finish was by far and away the most exciting finish to a race I've seen this side of Billy Mills.

But do we hear anything about el-Guerrouj here in the Unites States?

Quick: think of distance running in Athens 2004 and tell me what image pops in your head.

I'm willing to bet it is a defrocked and freaked priest pushing Silva into the crowd in the men's marathon. As bizarre as that whole incident was, el-Guerrouj's is so much more enduring and much more difficult to duplicate than what happened in the men's marathon.

My Olympic moment is el-Guerrouj kissing the track after barely kicking his way to a gold medal in the 1500. But NBC calls the shots and Michael Phelps and Hammgate is what they'll be hanging their hat on for the next four years.

John Kerry Just Earned My Vote, 30 Years Ago

I just finished listening to a re-broadcast of Midday, hosted by my main man, Gary Eichten, on Minnesota Public Radio.

The topic today was the whole John Kerry vs. Swiftboat Vets for Truth nonsense. The highlight of the show was the first half, when Gary replayed, in its entirety, John Kerry's testimony to the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations back in 1971. This speech left an impression on me because

1. It showed a side of John Kerry we don't get to see often: a articulate, well-spoken, impassioned and PRINCIPLED veteran.

2. All the bullshit about Kerry criticizing fellow vets for war crimes has been completely taken out of context. If you read/hear the speech, it is clear he is criticizing the Nixon administration for putting soldiers in positions where they see and are vulnerable enough to commit these crimes. He is sympathetic to the soldiers at every turn of his speech.

3. He didn't sound like a Kennedy in terms of his accent. But now, in 2004, he sure sounds like he's trying to invoke the nuances of JFK's speech in his own dialect. I guess what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If Bush can take on the cadence of a good ol' boy, John F. Kerry can take on the speech pattern of another JFK.

But bottom-line is Kerry has a lot of potential. If he can find the priniciples and the spine that lead him to make that speech in 1971, he can be a hell of a candidate in 2004.

Until then, since I can't say "Kerry in '71!!" I'll have to settle for Kerry in '04!

Click here for a transcript of the 1971 speech.

It's Not Plagarism

If I cite my source.

This has the potential of being a long post. I will begin my making it very clear that this topic was not my idea. This weekend a friend and I were driving back after a day at our co-op farm in Wisconsin. We had 90 minutes to kill so my friend (we'll call him Dig Dug) asked me a question he and his cousin had addressed a few nights before.

And my answer to his question is the topic for tonight's post.

His question was, if you could pick any sports team from the past to make a movie about, which team would you pick and which actors would you choose to play the athletes?

Dig Dug, being the Minnesotan that he is already had dibs on the 1987 Minnesota Twins AND the 1991 Twins. Good choices. I can remember he said Bill Cosby would play Kirby Puckett, Tom Selleck would play Jack Morris, and Cheech Marin would play Juan Berrenger (sp?).

So I thought it over and as much I wanted to pick the 1999 or 2003 San Antonio Spurs, I felt I had to choose a team with more pop culture ubiquity.

So how about the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears. The name of my movie? Super Bowl Shuffle, of course.

So without further delay, here would be the cast of my movie.

Mike Ditka--John Voigt

Buddy Ryan--Jim Belsuhi. This would be groundbreaking work for this die hard Chicagoite. He could finally break free from his pigeon-holed career as a bumbling, loveable suburban dad. This tour-de-force of the hard-nosed, controversial Bears defensive coordinator would get a lot of Oscar buzz!

Jim McMahon--Ashton Kutcher. Sure Jim McMahon would fancy himself played by a more a more rebelious actor, like Charlie Sheen. But he was basically a pretty boy with a headband and a few quirks. I could also envision John Cusack in this role, if the director wanted to focus on McMahon's quirks and not the prettiness and glamour that comes with being quarterback. Or I could live with Woodie Harrelson playing McMahon if the director wanted to accentuate the rebel in McMahon. But Kutcher is my first choice.

Walter Peyton--Denzel Washington. "Sweetness" played, lived, and died with a lot of dignity and Denzel could play the part. I am still pissed off that The Fridge scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl, but Sweetness never did. Imagine Denzel performing the Super Bowl Shuffle crooning,

Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance.

The ladies would throw their underwear at the screen a la Tom Jones.

Willie Gault Wesley Snipes. Consider Willie's lyrics from the Super Bowl Shuffle

I practice all day and dance all night,
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight.
Now I'm as smooth as a chocolate swirl,
I dance a little funky, so watch me girl.

To me, those lyrics scream Wesley Snipes.

Mike Singletary Benicio Del Toro. There's the issue of Benicio Del Toro not being African-American, but this guy plays the smart, cool, tough guy better than anyone out there. If people picketed the movie theater because a Puerto Rican is playing the role of a Black man, I, as produce,r would remind people of Singletary's lyrics from the Super Bowl Shuffle:

I'm Samurai Mike I stop'em cold.
Part of the defense, big and bold

Samuri Mike?!?!?! Seems to me, Mr. Singletary opened the door to other nationalities portraying him when he compared himself to a samuri warrior. Maybe Samuri Mike could have been in the old Nike ad, and tell the camera, "I am Tiger Woods."

Steve Fuller Jeff Foxworthy. Fuller was the back-up quarterback and basically a hayseed from South Carolina. I don't think it would be too much of a stretch for Foxworthy to play the part.

Mike Richardson Jimmie Foxx. Foxx needs to be in this movie to give it the credibility it needs to be called a "football movie." Richardson was slick and cool. Foxx likes to think he is. He'd be perfect for the part.

Otis Wilson LL Kool J. For the same reason as above: you need LL Kool J in the flick, just as you need Foxx. If these guys were good enough for Oliver Stone in Any Given Sunday, they'd be good enough for me.

Richard Dent Will Smith. He wasn't exactly the second coming of Ali, but if he stays bulked up and strays from being "cute" and "goofy," Dent could be the role of a lifetime for Will Smith.

Gary Fencik William H. Macy or Bob Costas. The one guy on the Bears I didn't like. He'd like to think Clint Eastwood should play his role, but he's stuck with Macy if he's lucky. Otherwise, Bob Costas would make a perfect Gary Fencik.

Kevin Butler/Maury Buford Bob Costas. If Macy takes the Fencik role, then Costas can double as the Bears' kicker and punter.

And last, but not least....

William Perry Dig Dug suggested either "Cedric the Entertainer" or Reuben from American Idol Both of these are excellent choices.

Thoughts? Opinions?

I have been working on the 1994-1995 Houston Rockets. But beyond Will Smith playing Robert Horry and E.T. playing Sam Cassell, I can't think of anyone else to play the remaining 10 guys.

A Small Back Question

Today marks a historic day, and I'm not talking about the US basketball team's loss to Puerto Rico. I am talking about the first time the internet and Google have let me down. I was curious if there were chiropractors who specialized in working with midgets AND/OR if there were any chiropractors who were also midgets. This stems from a conversation I had with a chiropractor yesterday, and the midget context will make sense if you read the post below.

Granted, I didn't spend more than three minutes on this search, but Google couldn't find any webpages at all that had "midget" and "chiropractor" on it.

I was also unable to find out if there is a more PC term for midget. Now I could make like a library scientist and refine my Google searches, but I think I actually did a pretty adequate job with my Google searches.

But instead I'll make like a lab rat scientist and use the null hypothesis. The null hypothesis would be that there are NEITHER midget chiropractors NOR chiropractors who happen to be midgets. And since Google yieled no results when I searced for pages with the key words "midget" AND "chiropractor," the null hypothesis stands.

Wow. Well when I look at it that way, the internet didn't let me down at all. It's all in how you use your tools, not what your tools do for you.



This is a weird post. But it could be argued that I'm a weird guy, so I'll go ahead and publish it.

Free Drugs

Friday night, Emily was watching the Opening Ceremonies when I got home with Poncho from the dog park. Then Emily made like the girlie-girl she is and went shopping with one of her friends. But I kept on watching, even though the only part of the Opening Ceremonies I like is the Parade of Nations, or whatever they call it, when the athletes come marching in, one country at a time. But now that Bob Costas is covering the event, it has gone from something I liked watching to something I tolerate. Bob Costas is one smug bastard.

Anyway, I have never taken LSD or mushrooms or peyote or whateverthehell else would inspire hallucinations. And quite frankly, after Friday night, I don't have to.

First, there was the train of Bjork's dress during the Opening Ceremonies, which eventully was unraveled to cover all the thousands of athletes in the center of the field. Her train ended up being a map of the world. So that was as cool as it was weird.

Oh yeah and before that there was a woman walking around with a huge, lit-up belly, pretending to be pregnant.

Okay, so that was weird. But then, during a commercial break I flipped through the channels and on FOX TV (channel 9 for you Twin Cities people), there was a race. But not just any race.

It was a camel on the inside track

racing a relay of humans on the outside track

who were all midgets.

It was very unsettling and what I imagine a bad drug trip would feel like. I felt bad for the camel and even worse for the midgets, since their team lost in a photo finish.

So first I thought, "Dude am I carpeing some diem or what?!? It's Friday night and I am definitely living life to its fullest!"

But then I pondered more serious issues. Like whether or not I would enjoy watching a relay team of Bob Costas, Marv Albert, Bryant Gumbel, Bill Walton, and John Madden race a hungry polar bear.

Then I got worried. Maybe those M & Ms I was eating Friday night were actually laced with acid. So I went straight to the camel's mouth, FOX's website. It turns out I wasn't on drugs. I was as sober as I was lame that night, watching something called Man Vs.Beast 2. FOX's website also added the following:

Olympic Gold Medalists Carl Lewis, Bart Connor and Dan O’Brien will serve as commentators. (SP-0445) (TV-G) Events include a long-jumping competition between man and dog, a test of endurance while an orangutan and a man hang from a suspended bar; a contest of speed and agility as man and chimpanzee race up a palm tree and finally a relay race between five little people and a 1,500-pound camel.

I don't know what is more bizarre: the fact that this show exists, or the fact that Carl Lewis, Bart Connor, and Dan O'Brien are the hosts.

Click here for the FOX link.

First person to know (without using the internet--you're on the honor system) if it was Dan O'Brien or Dave Johnson that failed to clear his first pole vault height in the 1992 Olympic decathalon gets a special prize from me. Are you out there Gaio?

Abandoned Blog

I rediscovered my abandon side blog and just posted a new top five list.

The list is Top Five TV Show Intros (dating back to circa 1975).

Click here to check it out.

A Map To The Poor House

Somewhere over the weekend, I stumbled across the question, "If money was not an object, what would you collect?" The funny thing is I don't remember where I heard this question, but I cannot forget this question, even though I know the answer.

I am pretty happy with my baseball card collection from when I was a kid, but it would be fun to add a Nolan Ryan rookie card to my batch.

However, that's not where I would want to spend all my Monopoly money.

I pine, dream, and even fantasize about having a map collection. Framed maps of the Old World and New Americas all over each wall in our house, in my office, and on the cieling in my car (only Matt the Hatt and my family will get that reference if they remember the 1978 Cutlass Cruiser station wagon I drove in high school).

It would be like tattoos for me. One would not be enough. Good thing original maps are so freaking expensive. I can't even be tempted to buy one of the maps I pine for.

Click here to see what I mean.

Maybe I'm Just A Mamma's Boy

So we are going to be using a $50 laptop now that our 2 year-old iMac costs more to repair than our roof, which has a teeny-tiny leak. But now I think I truly will be able to blog on a consistent basis.

Anyway, if you haven't heard about the Bush-Cheney Sloganator, click here. It does contain that Green Day "Time Of Your Life" song, so if you are in a cube at work, you may want to turn your speakers down.

Definitely worth a visit. For a short while, you could make your own Bush-Cheney '04 signs with your own slogan on it. It would even say "Paid for by the Bush-Cheney Campaign." This practice lasted about a month, as the Bush campaign soon realized that people were making slogans like A New Kind of Dictatorship!

Funny stuff.

By the way, my mom sent me this link. Everyone give a shout out to my mom. I know my dad and brother-in-law often send me very blogworthy links, but I get them at a time when I don't feel like blogging. Maybe women have better timing than men or maybe I'm just a big old 32 year-old mamma's boy.